Called Home

I went to my scheduled 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday. I was going to find out the sex of the baby, finally! I was being a good girl and trying to have a normal pregnancy. With my two others I had found out early and had many ultrasounds.

The day before the ultrasound I had told my father that I thought the baby was dead. I don't really know why those words uttered my mouth, but they did. My dad said I shouldn't say those types of things. I thought I was just being negative. I then told my mom the same thing when she got home from work. My dad was a little shocked that I had said this again and said I shouldn't tell Ben these things. I decided I wouldn't. When he got home from school and before we went to bed I told him what I thought, I had to. Still trying to be positive in my head I went to the ultrasound with a smile on my face.

My mom, Ben, Lex and I all piled into the ultrasound room. The lady went over my history and I told her about the twins and then Lex with the two vessel umbilical cord. She got started looking at the baby - I looked up and the baby wasn't moving. The ultrasound lady kept talking and I think she was trying to make the baby move, but couldn't and then started crying and told us that the baby didn't have a heart beat. I was right about my feelings, though it doesn't make me feel good at all. I didn't want to look at Ben's face. My instincts were right and I was devastated.

The ultrasound lady said she would take as many pictures as she could. She said the baby looked perfect and beautiful. There was nothing wrong with the baby physically, no abnormalities. The only thing that looked a little off to her was a slight bulge around the neck. I asked if she could tell the sex of the baby. She said her guess was a girl.

She then escorted us to a room where we could talk with the doctor. Lately, I have been hearing about a lot of miscarriages and stillbirths, I think it was in preparation for this, for my own. I thought I would be having a d&c. That is what I heard, even though I had no idea what it entailed. The doctor said because I was far enough along that I was not going to be having a d&c. I was going to have to be induced and labor this child. Really?

We went straight over to the hospital. They were busy so we went home and they called us about 2 hours later to come in. I was terrified. I have never been in labor, I never really knew what a contraction was.

They told me all the risks and what I should expect throughout this process. I still really had no idea what to expect. In my head I wanted this to all be done by morning. Most of my family came by the hospital to give their condolences. I'm not sure I was ready to realize what was going on, but it was good to know what a huge support I have. In time of grief and sorrow, I am loved! Everyone left but Ben and Jessica stayed. I had Jess stay because she is a mom of 4 and knows what pregnancy is like.

I feel asleep and woke up around 2:30am just feeling uncomfortable from the cramping. I was getting nervous because at 5:30 am I was due for another round of medication to induce labor. I was stressing out because I really didn't think much was happening. Then around 4am it was getting worse and it started hurting, so I decided to tell the nurse I wanted a epidural. It was taking forever, at least in my head, for him to get there - in reality it probably was 5 minutes or less. By the time he wheeled his cart in, I said to the nurse I think the baby is coming. I was right the next contraction, she was out. I did the whole thing naturally without wanting to. After she was out it was such a relief and everything became real. I won't go in to detail about the rest of the ordeal.

Seeing her broke my heart. As I held her in my arms, I thought of what could have been and what the future might have brought to her. It is amazing what love you have so instantaneously. I may never know her here on earth, but I definitely have felt her spirit and love.

I looked down and saw that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 3 times. The nurse continued to unravel it from her neck. I saw that and instantly I knew that is why she passed away. The bulge that the ultrasound lady saw now made sense . The nurse said looking at the cord that there was a part that looked like there was no blood flowing through it.

The nurses there were amazing. They took footprints and hand prints. They even took molds that I will have forever. I stayed til breakfast, said my final goodbyes and checked out.

I don't know why I lost another baby girl, and maybe I never will. I know that I am not angry at God; even when I first found out I. It is never easy saying goodbye and honestly it is the hardest thing leaving a hospital empty handed again!

My family is growing and maybe I don't have them here on earth, but I have my little treasures laid up in heaven awaiting mine and Ben's return. Hailey, Alexa, and J.J (Jasmine Judy) are waiting and looking over my family. I love you little precious angels, I will never forget you.

I want to thank all my family and friends for the love and support they give unconditionally. I appreciate all the calls, meals, and flowers.

This is a poem that Ben's relatives, Con and Elva gave to me after I lost the twins that brought much comfort. I want to share it with you:

To Glenda

Small as a jewel box is your little casket,

And you, as my smallest jewel,

Are treasured up to God within it.

I did not give you willingly,

Nor did he snatch you from me.

I rather think the choosing was your own.

Or, perhaps we three had planned together

In some other world,

That you would come and make this hasty call,

Then hurry on,

That you might light the lanterns on the way

So I could find the footing.

But I have forgotten.

I think you, too,

Forgot for one brief day -You tried so hard -

But God remembered;And then you left me.

I took a comfort in the little clothes

I made so tenderly.

The little petticoat, the dress,

The dainty lace,

The little bonnet

That frames your tiny face.

Your eyes are closed,

And mine are dimmed with tears.

But maybe you can see with better eyes

And know I love you.

All the dreams we dreamed together,

While you were one with me -These can wait.

I do not count them wasted.

Nor the drops of fresh warm milk

That fall unbidden from my aching breasts,

Like beads of pearl unstrung about your neck,

And caught by your fixed fingers.

These one day

Will be distilled as manna.

This milk that you never tasted will satiate your soul,

And life will be fulfilled.

Go then, my little jewel.

Go back to God.

Tell him I feel no bitterness at all.

With my own hands I offer you.

I have a treasure laid up in heaven.

And where my treasure lies,

My heart will follow.

You are my surety laid up with God.

And I will come to you.

I will, I will.

- Ora Pate Stewart -